We settled down in our chairs and sipped our coffees enjoying the beauty of a spring morning when my friend turned to me,
"I have wondering about something."
When my friend says this, I know that we are up for a deep conversation.
"I have been wondering if what happens to us defines us."
"Whoa, this is heavy stuff for 7 o'clock in the morning!"
"Think about it - how many people do you know that define themselves by their abuse?"
"Oh, a lot of people do. I know people who walk around all day saying, 'Hi, my name is Sue and I was abused as a child.' And if they don't say it in the first 15 seconds, they will tell you before you leave them."
"That's what I am talking about it. Too me this seems wierd."
"Well, I know you were abused as a child. You and I have talked about it."
"Maybe it's because I am a man that I don't walk around with a banner over my head saying, "I am a victim of abuse."'
"No, I don't think so. I know men excuse their behavior because of their past."
"So there is more to this?
"Think about it this way: "Are you your experience or are you a man who has had an experience?"
"I'm listening."
"If you were diagnose with cancer, would you walk around saying, "Hi, my name is Bob and I am cancer.'? Of course not. No one does that. Yet when people experience sad, tragic events they seem to want to make themselves their experience. Many people keep themselves in a tomb by letting their experiences define them."
"I get that - so what your saying is that people are more than their experience."
"Right. They are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers. They are car mechanics, nurses, teachers. They are hardworking, kind, generous, helpful, caring. They are people of worth, people worthy of respect."
"Okay. Even though I was abused as a child I still have these wonderful qualities."
"Yes, and look how you have used these qualities to make a difference to lots of people. You are a man with an experience, a terrible, horrible, awful experience and you are man who is much more than his experience. Has that terrible childhood helped shape you in some ways that you may not have been shaped if you didn't have the experience? Sure. But your experience is not your identity. Your history is not your destiny."
"Whew, that is heavy stuff. Can I think about this some more?"
"Of course. Make it a great day taking your wonderful self to the hurting world."
"I will."
(c) 2009 Ronald Friesen
"I have wondering about something."
When my friend says this, I know that we are up for a deep conversation.
"I have been wondering if what happens to us defines us."
"Whoa, this is heavy stuff for 7 o'clock in the morning!"
"Think about it - how many people do you know that define themselves by their abuse?"
"Oh, a lot of people do. I know people who walk around all day saying, 'Hi, my name is Sue and I was abused as a child.' And if they don't say it in the first 15 seconds, they will tell you before you leave them."
"That's what I am talking about it. Too me this seems wierd."
"Well, I know you were abused as a child. You and I have talked about it."
"Maybe it's because I am a man that I don't walk around with a banner over my head saying, "I am a victim of abuse."'
"No, I don't think so. I know men excuse their behavior because of their past."
"So there is more to this?
"Think about it this way: "Are you your experience or are you a man who has had an experience?"
"I'm listening."
"If you were diagnose with cancer, would you walk around saying, "Hi, my name is Bob and I am cancer.'? Of course not. No one does that. Yet when people experience sad, tragic events they seem to want to make themselves their experience. Many people keep themselves in a tomb by letting their experiences define them."
"I get that - so what your saying is that people are more than their experience."
"Right. They are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers. They are car mechanics, nurses, teachers. They are hardworking, kind, generous, helpful, caring. They are people of worth, people worthy of respect."
"Okay. Even though I was abused as a child I still have these wonderful qualities."
"Yes, and look how you have used these qualities to make a difference to lots of people. You are a man with an experience, a terrible, horrible, awful experience and you are man who is much more than his experience. Has that terrible childhood helped shape you in some ways that you may not have been shaped if you didn't have the experience? Sure. But your experience is not your identity. Your history is not your destiny."
"Whew, that is heavy stuff. Can I think about this some more?"
"Of course. Make it a great day taking your wonderful self to the hurting world."
"I will."
(c) 2009 Ronald Friesen
Nice post, Ron. I think one of the issues here is that so many people lack knowledge about the forgiveness process. Like so many other things in our culture, it gets compressed into "forgive and forget." When folks define themselves by their abuse, I suspect they're most often stuck at that point.
ReplyDeleteRon:
ReplyDeleteYou are right! As long as people define themselves by one or more negative events in their life, they will always be the victim of those negative experiences.
Indeed. This is a welcome reminder not to wallow. Thank you for posting.
ReplyDeleteItaliana, thank you for visiting. I wrote a blog or two about forgetting and forgiving. I should did it out.
ReplyDeleteron
Whit, Thanks for visiting. Many people get stuck in their past.
ReplyDeleteAnna, I think wallowing is for certain creatures, but not for humans :)
ReplyDeleteRon,
ReplyDeleteBad memories are about as useless as runway behind you...
Sarge
Indeed, Sarge....
ReplyDeleteInsightful post. Very true. Too many people limited by their definitions.
ReplyDelete