There are two schools of thought about how to deal with
anger: Anger Management and Anger Transformation.
When most people talk about dealing with their anger they
talk about how to cool down - count from 10 backwards or count to 20. Anger
management classes which are often taught to persons whose anger got them into
trouble with the law focus on skills - breathing, being aware of triggers, some
ways to deal with your anger - exercise, punching a pillow. going outside and
screaming. One of the best ones I heard told me to get a bowl of ice cubes and
go outside and throw them against a brick wall. The goal of anger management is
to 'manage' your anger.
I am not a big fan of anger management; I prefer to teach
people anger transformation.
Here are my teaching points:
1. Anger is a normal human emotion. It is not anger that
gets us into trouble, it's what we do with our anger that gets us into trouble.
Breaking your partner's dishes, screaming curse words at co-workers, driving
irratically down the street - these are all behaviors that will get you into
trouble. Anger isn't the problem; its what we do with our anger that is the
trouble.
2. Anger is a symptom, not a cause. When you come home from
work and your children (or partner) have left their clothes and dishes all over
the family room/living room. What is your immediate reaction? Yelling at who
ever is closest about the mess? Your increased blood pressure, your hot face,
your voice are all indications that you are one unhappy person.
3. The problem isn't the problem. We think the problem is
stuff strewn all over the house. That isn't the problem. The problem is your
unmet need. The human race has universal needs: needs for peace, harmony,
community, communication, order, clarity, respect, etc. (To download the list
of universal need see, www.cnvc.org) What need of yours is not being met when
you walk in the door and see the mess? Peace? Harmony? Community? Identify what
need isn't being met. That is the problem.
4. Now you have to communicate the need to your family. How
do you do that?
First, note your anger. Give yourself some self-empathy. Yes,
you are darn mad at the mess in front of you. You want to detach someone's head
from their body!
Second, observe the mess. Note specifically what you see -
cups, shoes, toys, etc.
Third, formulate your message to the offender.
*Begin with a compliment: "Honey, I love you" is a
good start.
*Then communicate the observation. "Honey, I see cups,
shoes and toys on the furniture and floor."
*Then communicate your need, "I have a need for order
and harmony in my life."
*Then communicate your request, "Can you, please, pick
up the shoes, clothes and toys and place them were they belong."
Now here is the catch. If the person responds defensively to
your request, they probably hard the request as a demand. So say something like
this, "Honey, I maybe I didn't say that right. Let me try again." Go
through the message again. (Some people
begin with their need and then move to the observation and then to their
request - either order is equally effective. It is what is comfortable to
you.)
I have taught the above communication skill, I call Anger
Transformation, to many couples and parents. Many people tell me that the above
communication skills have transformed their personal lives and professional
lives.
